


Parabatai Gone

by Reiven



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Post Episode: S02E20 Beside Still Water
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 11:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11827674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reiven/pseuds/Reiven
Summary: Jace was dead and Alec had to go on.





	Parabatai Gone

There was a darkness within him, like a bottomless chasm in his soul and an emptiness that could never truly be filled again. It was an everlasting pain that did not hurt; it was a numbness that was agonizing. It felt like half an existence, like going through life with only one arm and one leg; with only half a heart and half the spirit to go on.

It was like existing with only half a soul in a world that required a whole one to survive.

It was like living without truly being alive.

That was how it felt.

All of a sudden Jace was just gone from his world, but he still needed to go on. He still needed to push on, because there were still things to do. Valentine was still free and the Downworld was still in danger.  _Magnus_  was still in danger and he had a duty to his people and to the Downworlders to pick himself back up and put one step ahead of the other, no matter how much each step felt like traversing through a field of fire and brimstone. No matter how much his spirit ached and how much his soul was crying out in a way he found himself unable to.

He didn’t cry. He didn’t scream, after it all was set and done, he couldn’t remember how to. Tears just felt pointless and useless, especially after it felt like he’d been ripped apart from the inside out. He couldn’t remember how to feel or how to think. For a split second, he forgot what Jace even looked like. Just for that split second, then he couldn’t  _stop_  seeing Jace’s face inside his mind. He couldn’t stop looking at his face and hearing the sound of his laugh and feeling the warm comfort in his heart knowing that Jace was always going to be there for him.

It was a lie. Jace was dead and Alec had to go on.

There were still threats looming in the background; hordes of demons that just suddenly vanished; Valentine free and in possession of most of the Mortal Instruments and Clary alone in enemy territory.

Jace was dead and Alec had to go on.

So he did.

He put one foot in front of the other, again and again and again and the repetitive and automated movement took him to Clary.

And to Jace.

Jace died. Alec felt him being ripped out of his soul.

But…he’s looking at Jace and at Clary and Jace is alive but why does he still feel so empty? His parabatai rune is back but why does it feel so wrong? Why does it feel so incomplete? It was like something that had been broken and put back together, but the cracks would never truly be fixed. Their bond had been broken, and somehow it had been mended, but it hadn’t been truly healed. There were cracks in it that he could still feel; small cracks in fragile connection too tiny to be noticeable but Alec noticed. Alec noticed everything about the bond, even more so than Jace.

The bond had been restored somehow, but it hadn’t been healed.

Alec could feel a dark presence latching onto it, clawing at it, hissing at him when he looked too closely.

But Jace was alive and for now, that was all that mattered.

He was home with Magnus that night, after the party. They were together in bed once again, where they belonged; where Alec belonged, and even though everything in that situation felt right, in his soul, there was something still completely wrong.

Magnus was asleep beside him, still slowly healing and regaining the strength he’d used to close the aberration and help them fight the demons. He didn’t stir once when Alec’s eyes flew open and all of a sudden it felt like he couldn’t breathe, like his own lungs were choking him. He couldn’t move to sit up, his lungs wouldn’t expand to inhale the oxygen he desperately needed. He couldn’t hear sounds and he couldn’t focus on the ceiling in his line of sight. He could only see the image of Jace in his mind’s eye; the terror on his face as he was being ripped out of Alec’s grasp, the terror mirrored on Alec’s own; both of them calling each other’s name as they were being dragged further and further apart.

All of a sudden Jace was just swallowed completely by the darkness and agonizing pain all of sudden flared through every inch of Alec’s body and his soul.

He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t scream, he could do no more than gasp for the breath that wouldn’t come until a voice pierced through the fog in his mind and found himself latching onto the safe, warm comfort it provided.

Alec still couldn’t breathe, but his eyes managed to focus on the worried face that was all of a sudden hovering in his line of sight.

Alec could see his lips move, but no sound could reach his ears, but he took comfort in the fact that Magnus was really there, Magnus was looking at him with worry and fear, instead of disdain and disgust, because in the darkest recesses of his mind, he couldn’t recall a time before Magnus looked at him with such cold indifference and  _it hurt_.

It wasn’t the burning agony of walking through fire and brimstone, or the piercing pain of having his soul ripped from his body.

It was a different kind of hurt but not one that was any less traumatic.

But Magnus was there and Jace was alive, and the thought of that allowed the breath to expand his lungs once again.

His brow was dripping with sweat and he could feel the damp material of Magnus’s sheets sticking to his body.

But Magnus was there by his side, leaning over him worriedly; the palm of his hand warm on his shoulder and cupping his cheek.

Magnus was really there and Alec used his presence as an anchor.

“Alexander?” Magnus’s voice is soft and soothing and like a balm on his fracture soul. “Are you alright?”

Alec was still trying to remember how to inhale and exhale, but Magnus’s presence there somehow made everything less hard.

Alec could only nod in response.

“Did you have a nightmare?” he asked and Alec had to force himself to remember that Magnus was really there and Jace was alive because in his heart both still seemed like an impossibility; like his mind was still playing tricks on him.

He could do no more than nod.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Alec shook his head in a negative, but before Magnus could respond otherwise, his mouth was moving and words were spilling out before he could even really think about what he was saying.

“I had a nightmare that Jace died,” he said and he could see the flash of Magnus’s thoughts before his expression could even convey it. “And that he stayed dead and I was forced to keep going on without him.”

He felt the warm prickling of tears behind his eyes. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want Magnus to see. Magnus had said to him once that he didn’t want him to see the ugly side of him, and Alec didn’t want him to either.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position and buried his face his hands.

He didn’t want Magnus to see.

There was a sound like a knock at the door, but Alec couldn’t think to focus on it. He felt the shift of the mattress and the absence of Magnus’s warm presence by his side but it was for the best, because then Magnus wouldn’t be around to  _see_.

But then there was that feeling, a spark on the sputtering flame inside his soul, reigniting it. The fire wouldn’t have been able to mend the crack fully—nothing really could—but it was there and it was warm and it comforted Alec to the depths of his being.

“Alec?”

It was that voice that he couldn’t stop hearing  _screaming_  as he was being ripped from Alec’s soul.

Alec had to remind himself that Jace was alive, and he was standing right in front of him.

“ _Jace_ ,” Alec found himself gasping out the name, looking up at the silent figure through the pool of tears in his eyes.

“I…” Jace started—his eyes were strange, his gaze was weary and his spirit was dampened—but it was Jace standing before him, “I felt you…I felt your pain. So…So—I came.”

Alec didn’t know what to think then. He had so many things he wanted to say, so many things still he wanted to ask. He had so many emotions in his chest and so many feelings threatening to burst out. Instead he could only say; “I felt you die, Jace…I felt you being ripped away from my soul and the emptiness that still lingers on the wound…” he tried not to cry.

He couldn’t stop the sob.

The mattress dipped when Jace sat down on the edge of it, his shoulders hunched and his head bowed.

There was a darkness latching onto their bond, clawing at their connection, but Jace was alive and he was there within touching distance and for the moment, that was all Alec needed.

_Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried._

That’s what the oath said and never have words rung truer than in that moment.

But Jace was alive and Alec couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

He felt the strong, familiar arms reaching across his shoulders and around his back, pulling him into an embrace. He wanted to reciprocate, but he couldn’t remove his hands from his face, from trying to stop the tears from flowing down his cheek.

He sensed Magnus hovering near the door; he could feel his apprehension and his need to approach, his need to comfort him, but he knew that Magnus understood that at that moment, at point, Alec needed to feel Jace’s comforting embrace. That Alec needed to feel that Jace was really there, that he was really real.

He knew Magnus understood with his mind, but less with his heart and Alec wanted to reach out to comfort him in the like, but he couldn’t stop his tears from flowing.

There was a darkness stabbing at the bond, tearing at their connection. There was a darkness hovering around Jace’s soul, leaking into Alec’s. There was a dark cloud hovering in the distance threatening worse things yet to come.

But Magnus was there and Jace was alive and for the moment, that was the only thing Alec needed.

 

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr @[reivenesque](http://reivenesque.tumblr.com/) or please [reblog this story](http://reivenesque.tumblr.com/post/164219669698/parabatai-gone-parabatai-ficpost-2x20side-of) on there 


End file.
